We’d been dating for about eight months when I found out my girlfriend had $45,000 in student debt she’d never mentioned.
I’m not gonna lie — my first reaction was panic. Not because I’m some judgmental jerk about debt (I mean, I had plenty of my own), but because we’d been talking about moving in together and she just… hadn’t brought it up. It felt like a betrayal of trust.
Looking back, I handled that conversation terribly. She handled my reaction to her reaction even worse. There was crying, there was yelling, there was a three-day “break” where we both wondered if this was the end.
It wasn’t. But it taught me a lot about how to actually talk about money with a partner.
Why Money Is So Hard to Discuss
Here’s something I didn’t fully appreciate until that blowup: money is emotional. Like, deeply emotional. It’s tied up with our sense of security, our self-worth, our childhood experiences, our shame about past decisions.
When I reacted badly to learning about her debt, she didn’t hear “I’m surprised.” She heard “You’re irresponsible. You’re not good enough. You’re a burden.” None of which I meant or said, but that’s what her brain translated it to.
Similarly, when she got defensive, I didn’t hear “I’m embarrassed and scared.” I heard “I’ve been hiding things from you.” Also not accurate.
The CFPB has this financial well-being assessment that asks questions about how secure and confident you feel about your finances. Going through something like that together — separately first, then discussing — can be really revealing. It helps you understand that your partner’s relationship with money might be totally different from yours, and that’s okay.
How We Eventually Made It Work
After the dust settled, we agreed to start over with money conversations. Here’s what actually helped:
We scheduled it. Sounds weird, but having “money dates” where we’d go over our finances together meant it wasn’t this scary thing that could ambush either of us. We picked Sunday afternoons, made tea, and just… talked about money for 30 minutes. No judgment, just information sharing.
We shared everything. Full transparency. She showed me her student loans, I showed her my credit card debt. We looked at each other’s spending for the past month. It was uncomfortable at first but it built trust.
We identified our different money styles. Turns out I’m anxious about money — I check my accounts constantly, I stress about hypothetical future problems. She’s more avoidant — she’d rather not look at the numbers because they stress her out. Neither is wrong, but understanding this helped us communicate better.
The CFPB’s Your Money Your Goals toolkit has worksheets for couples that helped us structure some of these conversations. Having a framework made it less likely to devolve into arguments.
The Questions We Ask Each Month
Our monthly money dates follow a loose script now:
What big expenses are coming up this month?
Did anything unexpected happen last month financially?
How are we feeling about our progress toward [whatever goal we’re working on]?
Is there anything money-related that’s stressing either of us out?
That last question is the most important. It gives space to bring up things that might otherwise fester. Like when I was stressed about how much we were spending on restaurants, I could say “I’m feeling anxious about our dining-out spending” instead of letting it build up until I snapped about a receipt.
The Stuff We Still Don’t Agree On
I want to be clear — we don’t have it all figured out. We still disagree about things.
She thinks I’m too focused on financial goals and not enough on enjoying the present. I think she’s too willing to spend money on things that don’t matter to me. Both of us are probably right.
What’s changed is that we can have these disagreements without it feeling like an attack. We know where each other is coming from. We’ve built up enough trust and transparency that a disagreement about spending isn’t a relationship crisis.
Starting the Conversation
If you’re with someone and haven’t had a real money conversation yet, here’s what I’d suggest:
Pick a neutral time. Not during a financial crisis, not when one of you is stressed about something else.
Frame it positively. “I want us to be able to talk openly about money so we can build a future together” sounds way better than “I need to know how much debt you have.”
Share first. Don’t interrogate. Tell them about your finances, your fears, your goals. Make it safe for them to do the same.
Expect it to be awkward. It will be. That’s fine. The first conversation is always the hardest.
That $45,000 debt my girlfriend had? We paid it off together last year. Took us three years of serious focus, and there were definitely tense moments along the way. But working toward that goal together actually brought us closer.
Money doesn’t have to be the thing that drives couples apart. It can be the thing that brings them together — if you’re willing to have the uncomfortable conversations.